General Humour: Student funnies

Just to lighten the moment a little, here are a few things I collected from the students when I was working as DOS at a Chinese uni in Beijing. Just in case you are wondering, Peter is a teacher, and so is Marcus (the latter being my good self). Some of the excuse notes I received from students are particularly amusing, I think. Original spellings have been kept. I shared these with the students at the end of the year, but they didn't always know why native speakers found them funny!

Radical History

It just a short time. After this time, the inland (of Australia) was taken away by James Cook. Winnie

James Cook and the army brought a lot of unhappiness to them (the Aborigines). When they were only living the inland, they were happiness, but finally they were not happiness and peace. Winnie (again)

For this next one, you need to know that "yellow movie" means pornographic film in Chinese, the equivalent of "blue movie" in the west. This is from an essay entitled "The Major Cultural Influences in the West."

TV took informations for people, but took some bad things too. There were some channels show the yellow culture or yellow movies to the public. Young people and some people who has a bad mentality did some aberration when they saw the channel. They began to find some ways vent their appetence. Alaway their ways are criminal, it's bad for their lives. Xavier.


The ancient Greek people established the earliest and a more perfect feudal monarch institution in 11th century. Winnie


About 50 million years ago, the Aborigines were already lived in Australia. They never killed too much weild animals, they never throw the wasts in to the river, and they never cut down the trees for benefits. Toman (Revisionist History at its most radical - good to see benefits weren't taken advantage of in those times so long ago)


Excuses for being absent from class

These are all taken from notes students wrote to explain absences from class.


My father is come to Beijing. So, I want to play with him. Sorry, I can't get here. David.


"I had to help my friend find the Malaysian Embassy." (Deborah, explaining her absence of one week. Hmm, someone should have told here there was one in China)


Dear Marcus,
I'm very sorry, I felt very bad. So I have to go to the dum. I can't come to Your class, Justin Lewis 8.1


I'm sorry I missed so many of your classes this week. I had to go to the hospital for an injection. Justin (Hmm, they have loooooong injections in China)


Dear Marcus and Peter,
I did not take care of myself very well, so I caught heat at last. I think I need more exercises to improve my physical quality. All of my classmates suggested that I would better not present the rest of classes and I agree with them. So, please believe me, I am terrible sorry for absent your and Peter's lectures.
Yours: Hanson


Dear Marcus,
I'm sorry I can't go to your class because I got suntorke. Rose


Dear Marcus,
Today I can't come to your class. I'm sorry to tell you that. Yesterday, I slept in Hanson's dorm. His dorm is hell now. It's unacceptably hot. So I found I was sunstruck. I'm dizzy and adynamic now. Please forgive my absence. Thanks a lot. Your student Max


Dear Marcus,
I was absent from your class yesterday afternoon. Because I felt headache again. Yesterday noon, when I got up from my short nap, I couldn't move further otherwise I would lose my head. My headache has been more seriously than before since last week. I mean maybe I felt so nervous because of the IELTS test. Yours Sincerely, Leon


Dear Marcus,
Yesterday, I was felling unwell, I thought I got sun-stroke. So I took a class. Thank you! Jessica.


Dear Peter:
I'm sorry for havn't been your class. I had have a temperature. Sincerely Your obedient student John.z


Dear Marcus,
I ate a lot of fruit last night. I got stomachache and felt uncomfortable that it made me sleeping too late. Now I feel tired and still stomachache. So I won't go to school. I'm sorry for absent your class. Yours: Cobain.


Dear Marcus,
I am still sick. I try to go to your class but I find it's difficult for me to concentrate in your class so I decide not to go to your class. I'm very sorry. Rose


Marcus: I was sick this morning and I was awful. So I want to take the morning's class off. I am terribly sorry. David


Dear Marcus,
I'm sorry, because two fuck guys fight each other last night, so it's too noisy. I feel bad this morning. Please forgive me. Yours, Amy


Dear Marcus,
I was absent from your class this morning because I felt so painful with my left buttock.. Last weekend, I have been injured with my buttock when I played a football match with my senior school classmates far away from Erwai (university). Firstly I didn't mind it too much, but it became more swollen and painful. So I couldn't get up on time and went to school by bike myself. I am sorry to say that. Maybe the pain will last for several days, but I have prepared to get up earlier and ask my dormates to send me to the classroom. Leon.

General Quotes

"I spent my holiday in my mother." Xavier

"I spent my holiday playing stimulating games with my boyfriend." Winnie.

"Would you like to enjoy us?" Rachel, inviting her teacher Marcus to join her and her friends in a game of darts at the G&D ranch. (Marcus' response deleted)

Academic Research
And finally there is this piece, part of a final research essay. PS This one didn't quite make the grade.

Big Problem It is a big problem that pollution is continuing grate part of people still cannot understand that how much serious about pollution problem. One of effect by air pollution is the Antarctic ozone hole. Ozone layer was beaked by flurine which run out of fridge. The ray harmful which come from the sun could not be stopped by the ozone layer because of the hole. Too much lighted up by ultraviolet ray will case people to got skin cancer, albinism, and the other diseases about skin. If we can't stop the action that break the ozone layer keep going, our sons will cannot to go out with out caver a few years later. Not only that, everything living on earth will be killed by ray. The earth will becoming a death star. The worming will melt the ice in Antarctic and Ataxic. Thus the water level will rise at the same time and there could see nothing except water on the earth. Not only that, the pollution about SO2, CO2 and CO, etc. are terrible, too. SO2 case the acid rain happened, it corrode plants, animals, and human; WATER POLUTION Some kinds of factories, such as papermaking factory, chemical factory, always let the waste in to river without handle to save money as possible as they can. The waste that factories thrower killed the living thing in river, then the water that polluted by the waste pollute the sea. Too much polluted cased some kinds of living thing growled abnormal, such as the toxic red tides, as the particle in textbook said. On the other side, too much using will bring us the same negative effect. The best ensample is Ganges in Indian. In Indian's mind Ganges is holy and enigmatical, so people wash themselves, wash the domestic animals, takeorder with the body and the others' Disease and feculence are spread abroad by the river, but also bad to the living thing in the Indian Ocean. In fact, the polluted water not only kill the animal live in water, but also kill the living thing on ground, include human and plant. The waste banefully always soak into soil, at the same time, crop and tree absorb the waste from the polluted soil (again)
(Name withheld)